It’s Lifetime Anxiety In The Heart — My Journey
My journey through anxiety
I’ve never been the kind to term mental health problems as “just a phase” or something inconsequential. I always knew that those who struggle with anxiety experience more than what we can see or hear — even before I faced my own fight with anxiety. It became all too real when I found myself caught up in my own personal battles — a secret war raging inside my mind.
I do not term anxiety as just feeling nervous or just stressed out. It felt like having an annoying roommate in your brain. Anxiety is not a “mood” that someone can snap out of or shake off by saying, “I will feel better tomorrow.” Anxiety became part of my life. It was like an uninvited guest who overstayed, overstepped my boundaries, and someone I could not just ignore. It messed with my mind, and over time, it affected me physically. I would be tired, I would constantly be in physical and mental pain, and I would constantly feel like ending things to stop the continuous pain — both physically and mentally.
One of the worst parts of anxiety was the overthinking. It was exhausting. I’d replay a simple casual conversation over and over again, convinced that something that I said was taken in the wrong way. I’d be convinced that I had said something that upset the other person or something that I was being judged on or would be gossiped about. The fear of letting people down or being a gossip dinner table topic just ate away at me, and my self-esteem took a serious hit. My thoughts were bullet trains that constantly ran at an unlimited speed.
Then came the physical symptoms, which no one talks about until they experience them. I always felt heavy on my chest. The more I tried having a normal breath, the more suffocating it felt. The random anxiety attacks always felt like a horror movie, where an invisible hand was trying to kill you, but there was no way to stop or free yourself. Each breath was a struggle, and the harder I tried, the worse it seemed to get.
The random breakdowns became part of my life. There were days when I would shut myself in a room, crying or rather bawling for no reason at all. I felt like going into pitch darkness with no light whatsoever, no doors to run away from, and no windows to witness a tiny bit of light. Some days, I would cry for hours, unable to control the flood of emotions. Some days, these emotions turned into anger, frustration, and violent thoughts.
I still remember the day I got a reality check on my anxiety and worsening mental health. It was a Winter evening when I decided to take a shower with warm water, thinking it might calm all those vicious thoughts and the palpitating heart. I stepped in the shower, closed my eyes, and stayed there for more than an hour (Frankly, I don’t remember the exact time; I am sure it turned dark from the day). All I know is I had completely zoned out, lost in a loop of thoughts that I DIDN’T EVEN REMEMBER when I came out. This incident was a wake-up call. It made me realize how disconnected and lost I was in my life.
What keeps me going to date?
That was the day I had a conversation with myself. I decided I wanted to LIVE and not just SURVIVE. Things may be challenging, and life may have been unfair, but giving up can never be a solution. My aim today is to learn to actually live and adapt myself through the highs, the lows, and everything in between.
Finding Support in the Storm
During the darkest days of my struggle, I found someone who truly understood me. They didn’t try to “fix” me or tell me to “just cheer up.” They listened. They validated my feelings and stood by me, helping me feel less alone. They didn’t force optimism on me and showed me that feeling vulnerable was okay. This person became my anchor, keeping me grounded when I was drowning in my thoughts. They didn’t just help me; they showed me how important it is to talk about mental health instead of staying silent.
To be true, I haven’t magically transformed myself into an optimistic person. I still have the worst days. I still get anxiety and panic attacks, and I still overthink a lot. But I have started talking to that one person who I think would not judge me for all my miseries. My journey through highs and lows inspired me to open up about mental health issues, and here I am writing about something I never imagined I would even talk about. Trust me, had it been the 2-year-old Sneha, she wouldn’t dare to speak or utter the word ‘I NEED HELP,’ thanks to all those stigmas around mental health. But today, not only do I talk about it openly, but I am also eager to help, listen, and be a part of the rejuvenating journey of anyone who needs me. The world may not be a safe place, but in the unrest, you have to find that one soul or one place that can help you get better, if not the best.
The Struggle is Real
There have been countless heartbreaking stories in recent years where people lost their lives to mental health struggles. These incidents highlight how these issues don’t appear overnight but result from constantly growing issues. They build up over months and years until the weight becomes unbearable. By the time people realize the severity of their or their friend's or colleagues’ conditions, it’s often “too late. They might have just given up on everything and reached a point of no return.
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You must have heard about Anna Sebastian, the 26-year-old Indian EY employee in India whose story shook the corporate world and gave birth to serious questions about workplace mental health. Anna was allegedly summoned to death by heart attacks because of overwhelming job pressures, juggling long hours, and unrealistic expectations. Her colleagues described her as a bright, hardworking person who seemed completely fine from the outside. She never showed the battles she was fighting with pressure and mental and emotional strain. Unfortunately, Anna had already reached her breaking point, and her physical health had deteriorated to the lowest level when her friends and family realized how bad things had gotten.
Sushant Singh Rajput, a Bollywood actor, suicide in 2020, raised serious questions about how, even if you have a life that everyone dreams of, you could be in the wrath of mental health issues. On the surface, he appeared to have everything, and never for once did people realize the battling emotions behind his always smiling face. He struggled with depression, and no one knew just how deep his pain went until it was too late. His death came as a shock in entertainment history, especially because his recent movie had done well at the box office. But it also gave a critical message that mental health issues or depression do not discriminate; they can affect anyone, regardless of how successful or “happy” they might seem on the outside.
There are innumerable incidents where the person may be at the peak of success, but behind the scenes, they are in darkness. These incidents, and many others like them, show just how dangerous it can be to ignore mental health struggles. They also highlight the importance of having a conversation about mental well-being, not just on social media or as a dinner table conversation when it’s too late, but before things go out of control.
Let’s Be Real About Mental Health
Talking about mental health isn’t optional but necessary.
Especially when everyone is so caught up in fighting their battles on a personal level, family, through childhood traumas, at work, chasing deadlines, or while just trying to put food on the table. It is easy to ignore the warning signs of burnout, anxiety, stress, or depression and term it as just a phase of sadness or some other issue. Sometimes, what seems like everyday stress could have a big underlying issue. We often ignore the symptoms and park them as something that we’ll deal with later because, obviously, deadlines and showing people that you are doing well is a priority. But that later never comes.
The sad reality is that most people do not speak up about their struggles because of the stigma attached to mental health. They fear being judged, seen as weak, or misunderstood.
But someone needs to break the silence.
Just like your physical health, mental health needs attention, too. It does not just affect an individual, but sometimes it ripples through families, communities, and workplaces. Sure, ending things could be a solution, but what you leave behind is worse than what you did to yourself. You can save your life, your family’s dignity, and a lot of others like you by just starting a conversation. We can prevent thousands of incidents like Sushant and Anna if we choose to be empathetic, create a safe environment, share our stories, and support those silently struggling.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my personal journey is that depression is not just a phase, anxiety is not a gastric issue, and other mental health issues are not something to stigmatize about. Therapy, seeing a psychologist, or joining a community will not weaken you.
The only reason I decided to talk about this phase, both in person and through my blogs, is because I have realized how important the whole thing was for me. How I have come back from the lowest and keeping it bottled up only made things worse for me. I want people to shred the weight, or at least try getting out of the loop, gather courage, and just TALK.
Talking about your experience might be uncomfortable. It was for me, too. I’ve felt thousands of emotions while trying to gather words for this blog, but if my story or blogs can help even one person, it’s all worth it.
PS: The images created are through Leonardo and self edited by me on Canva.
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This article was published on October 15th, 2024 in Deep. Sweet. Valuable. publication.
